Dacia M Arnold

Mom, Author, SuperWoman

4 comments

The Condition of the Railroad Wife (But this may also apply to you)…

I talk a lot about Tribe in regards to parenting, wifing, working, writing, etc. It is a very particular group of people that “get” the aspect of your life that is unique to the general population. Of these, I find the railroad wives to be my biggest cheerleaders. An even smaller group (you know who you are because I know you’re reading this), is a handful of women, rough around the edges, that fight like mad to keep their families together in the face of the struggles of being married to a RR.

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What a dummy.. 

I have noticed that on social media there is a small group of ladies that are willing to be brutally honest about their feelings towards their husbands in regards to their profession. If you are not familiar with the dynamics of having a RR for a spouse, you can check these Six Facts (HERE) or this short story (HERE).

There is another group of women that praise every ounce of their husbands being. While I am not apart of this group, I will approach them with sensitivity, as I am sure that a couple of things may be true

  1. They actually found and married that tiny percent of person that has such small trivial flaws and they are genuinely so happy, that they live to make it up to that person for being so perfect.
  2. God tells us to support our husbands 100% as the head of the household. They dare not speak ill of their other half, especially in questionable company.
  3. They simply do not use social media to vent. Period. Fair enough.

Again, I am very much apart of the first group, and they have A LOT to say. The groups I am apart of are a safe place to cry, laugh, ask for advice, or simply just vent about what frustrates us to others that not only understand, but can validate our frustrations. The railroad exasperates every domestic dispute.

There are spouses out there that are perfect, but most are not. I am nowhere near being perfect. But to women, both working or staying home, that fight this unfair battle of equality within the walls of their home. This seems to be a theme of a lot of women I talk to. Smart, educated, strong women. Every person deserves respect but most of all, married people deserve respect for each other. They married forever, and that is far too long to spend feeling unequal, and dependant. It is okay to be financially dependant on someone else, but not to the point where one feels completely helpless without the other.

A lot of times, we are expected to hold things down at home 24/7 while the other person is sleeping in a silent hotel, free of responsibilities, or little people that constantly fight you over the smallest things like putting their shoes on EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING!!! And then, some come home and expect it to continue. Yes, they they brought home the bacon while they slept peacefully in that hotel, but when one has kids, there is no peace. lol

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What I really want to say to you, the one reading this waiting for your RR to come or go, is that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy with your RR. You jumped into this life with them with the intent to get through the hard stuff, and to make each other better people. You deserve to be respected. You are not dumb, useless, horrible, a bitch, or insufferable. You might be a little crazy, because I don’t know one of us that isn’t just a little batty. But getting through this is not beyond the two of you. You just both have to agree to keep working on it, and only give up when you know you’ve reached your limit.

Encourage other RR spouses to join these groups. Please for the love of everything read the pinned posts of the rules and expectations of the page before you post a single thing. All groups are different. Some allow gratuitous cursing, others do not allow it at all.  Find one that suits you and cling to that tribe.

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Lastly, I will leave you with this. Domestic violence is NOT okay. Emotional abuse is NOT okay. My best friend was murdered Christmas Morning 2010 while I was away at war. If you are unsure if you need assistance you can read HERE for Six Facts about domestic violence.

 

4 thoughts on “The Condition of the Railroad Wife (But this may also apply to you)…

  1. A mom friend of mine is a railroad wife. I am constantly in awe of how well she handles it with a big smile on her face. I asked her once how she copes so well while essentially acting as a single mother when her husband’s schedule is unpredictable or he’s gone for long stints. She said that it’s easier to focus on the time that they have together as a family when he’s actually home than it is to focus on the hard times when he’s away. Her facebook blows up with pictures of all the great things they cram in when he’s home and then it goes quiet when he’s away. She’s found a balance that works for her. I’m the wife of an extreme workaholic and that is a struggle in itself sometimes. So I have nothing but admiration and praise for you strong railroad wives!

    • <3 it's tough. EVeryone lives through their own compromises in the face of abnormal schedules. You're doing an amazing job holding it down. 😉

  2. A lot of this holds true for military wives as well, or the parent who is left to take care of the kids/house/etc., while the soldier is sent somewhere for an indefinite period of time. I have seen wives who have been married less than a year fall apart because they didn’t know that the military controls the soldier’s life 99%. The parent at home has two choices: learn to cope or get out of the marriage.

    I like the fact that you encourage working through the problems instead of giving up. Giving up often appears easier, but most people who get divorced don’t look at the impact it will have on their kids. However, I do know that sometimes it is unavoidable. For those of us who choose/chose to work it out: kudos. We’ve earned our badges. I, for one, am happier than I ever thought I could be, but it took work.

    Blessings.

  3. Pingback: Holidays With a RailRoader – britestfyrefly

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