Since leaving my position with the Department of Homeland Security and Emergency Management in Colorado, I’ve struggled with not having a defined role to play outside of “snack wench” for my kids.
It’s literally only been two months.
I’ve worked in the healthcare industry for 17 years. I’ve been writing fiction and nonfiction for 5 years. I have a Bachelors degree in English with a focus on Humanities, Sociology and Business Communications. I’m a mom and wife. I can cook pretty much anything. I can build furniture from scraps and make clothes out of string. I am a master driver and expert marksman. I am deadly accurate with a rifle mounted grenade launcher.
I am a Jane of all Trades, a chameleon in the workforce. Who am I at home behind a desk? Someone, right?
I guess I am still all those things, but if a tree falls in the woods… who cares?
I’ve spent a career basing my self-worth on people calling on me to do a job. No wonder I am struggling with the vacation I’ve been begging for, for a year. I should have been better prepared… to do nothing. It sounds simple to not have a schedule, anywhere to be, a work phone going off at all hours of the day and night. My brain is wired for work. Work that others depend on. I internalize this relationship as success. The opposite of success—people depending on me for the work I do—is failure?
No. It’s a lesson.
Today I am (finally) embarking on the journey to find the one subject for which I am the expert. I will take all of the roles I have played and culminate them into one thing: Me. I’m going to figure out who I’ve become now that I am grown up, maybe I’ll find something new!
There are a couple ways I can go about solving this puzzle, learning and assimilating this lesson.
- I can find a creative product that people want and pursue the venture obsessively
- This can be written content online, books, or items
- I can find a routine that satisfies myself in this time of transition
- Or I can learn to do nothing *gasp*
If you know me personally for any amount of time, you know I already have my feet on all three of these paths. Maybe less on path #3, though maybe I will reserve Sundays to explore this option further.
In my heart, I know outside validation motivates me to excel. Being without this stimulation leaves me feeling worthless. Perhaps I have developed this motivation through unhealthy relationships and fueled it with perfectionism, but is there a time when we feed the monster instead of killing it? It’s a good thing I am not a psychologist because for the sake of my sanity, I plan to cook a four course meal for this beast then introduce intermittent fasting for balance.
Am I playing with fire? You betchya. I’m playing with the fire within me to be bigger than the desk I sit behind. I want you to join me on this journey.
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