I suck at teaching 1st grade. Mickey Mouse Club House is currently teaching my preschool “class”.
I’m out of my brand of coffee creamer and choking down the brand I do have is hardly worth the trouble. At this rate, I’ll be a black coffee drinker by the end of the week.
Being home and away from the world gives me a better sense of security. I’m in an environment I can control and I think maybe that is what is troubling most people. Control. I’ve become obsessed with numbers, trends, and statistics. I am mitigating the ambiguity by focusing on “how many” to keep my mind off the “who”.
I’ve had trouble sleeping all week. Finally I had to reach out and ask someone, “This is real, right? Like people are dying by the thousands. Someone else sees this, right? I feel insane.” Just having someone validate me outside of the bubble I work in was helpful. When people reach out to me, I can be infinitely helpful, thoughtful, and comforting. Rarely do I need outside help to bring me back to a sense of rational thought. But I still I need help.
I’m seeing my therapist for the first time in maybe a year and half. I don’t even really have reason or anything specific to talk about. I’m hoping he’ll let me ask him questions regarding book research, but I also just need to be heard. Not fixed. Not diminished or dismissed. I want help self analyzing and learn how I can be better. How to use my crazy thought processes to be productive and helpful.
I’ve suffered from depression in the past. Now, I just have some bad days like once a month. I can sense when it is coming on now. Most of the time I can ride it out for the day or two. Other times I have to work exceptionally hard to pull myself out of it. These are normal cycles for most people. Our current situation is not normal. Well, maybe a “new normal”. I am now faced with finding a new way to keep myself together. While I’m not writing fiction, getting my thoughts out is helpful.
Yesterday I spent a lot of time vetting a conspiracy theory. I have to admit, it was kind of fun. I ultimately dismissed it, but appreciated the distraction. Other people have different codes they feel the need to break. The codes I am trying to break are How many?, How long?, and When? To someone else it’s using the right cleaning products and why soap and water are okay for hands and clothes but not enough for counters and shoes. To another, its trying to figure out the political game of the world. We all want to control the unknown.
I wonder if you do this. Do you have a COVID tick? Something you think about every day, maybe research constantly? Did you adapt a new technique to keep the abnormal from becoming too much? Let me know.