The wonders of modern science can tell me that before her body can form the parts, that I indeed am carrying a baby girl in my belly. They are able to draw my blood and isolate her DNA and study genetic markers for certain chromosomal abnormalities. Subsequently, they can determine genetically the gender of my teeny baby bean. I am positive that if I paid enough money, they could tell me the color her hair and eyes will be. So what I would have waited another 2 months to see on a screen, I know at a mere 12.5 weeks.
The dilemma this brings is the long 6 month wait until she arrives. At 20 weeks, you truly feel like you are running out of time to buy all things pink. I am super reluctant to make any purchases. This is for a few reasons, but mainly because if I buy everything now, I will have nothing to do the remainder of my pregnancy. I did crochet her a blankie in four days.
This is our fourth pregnancy in 12 months. I shared about our first loss, but the others where just honorable mentions. I still do not feel strong enough to share about that dark place I lived in for a while. I really think I had only been on the incline for a few weeks before we discovered our news. I still hold a little hesitation and fear for my baby girl. But the tests so far show no indication that there is anything wrong. Science. It’s crazy.
What is this post about? I’m scared. Scared to be happy or overly excited. Scared of having a daughter. I’d say “Heaven help me if I EVER have a girl.” And here I am. Praying deeply for help. I am excited to have a little girl, but terrified of raising one. I guess the good news is, I have a few more months to prepare before losing all of my hair and the rest of my sleep for the rest of my life.